When the relationship is ‘deserotized’: how to recover the sexual desire lost with the pandemic
The coronavirus has confined us, it has made us feel vulnerable and it has made it difficult for us to venture what the future will be like. With this percale, how do we keep the desire for sex?
Let’s go for a year of pandemic. By now, we’ve stretched resilience to its limits. But it begins to crack: stress, anxiety, depression… With these wicks, the libido of many has been rock- bottom for months. “In order for the sexual response to develop in all its stages (desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution), the body must be calm. The slightest activation of our sympathetic nervous system, whose function is to put us on guard and in an immediate alert-flight attitude, will annul the relaxation necessary to start desiring”, explains Dr P K Gupta, Best Sexologist in India.
And here’s the problem: the pandemic has skyrocketed our long-term stress levels (daily fear of infecting ourselves or our loved ones, losing our job, not being able to meet the bills). We have been on constant alert for almost twelve months and we are dragged along, physically and emotionally. With those wickers, it’s normal for erotic passion to decline in many bedrooms.
Strategies to get back in the mood
The loss of sexual appetite does not distinguish between single and married, in a relationship or far away. At the beginning of the pandemic, the joke was circulating that, for once, those who live as a couple would have more sex than single people. But locking yourself up by obligation 24 hours a day with your better half (and with the children) more than an eternal honeymoon was for many a Big Brother: a lot of hustle and bustle and little intimacy. Those who lived alone were also not free from collective fear and now, on top of that, they have to rewrite the script of flirtation and spontaneous sexual relations. “Losing a loved one also often affects sexual arousal. And having passed the covid in the first person leaves a transitory exhaustion, even post-traumatic stress, which also interferes with erotic desire.
Low libido is not a disease. Just as it leaves, we can make it come back… with time and good manners. Experts propose several guidelines to recover sexual desire at home. “It is essential to recover spaces and time as a couple. When that space of complicity is missing, the relationship becomes ‘de-erotized’. Knowing how to stop working and give yourself a break for pleasure is not going to sink the world economy. And it will do a lot of good for the couple’s sexual health.
The comfy of walking around the house doesn’t do much good to passionate desire either. Although we are comfortable with our loose clothing, without perfume, without combing or making up (them) and with messy hair and a few days’ beard (them), being careless is the staunch enemy of passion. A dinner arranged, even at home, can enliven the passion of the senses.
What if there are children involved? In the absence of grandparents (it is not the best time to recruit them), you have to use your imagination. If both telework, perhaps the working day can be delayed a bit after leaving the children at school to dedicate a moment of pleasure to each other. With the children at home, the best sexologist in Delhi Dr P K Gupta, proposes to take it as almost like an adventure. “Establish a private moment while you leave the children with some snacks and their favorite movie. Or wake up earlier and play don’t get caught.” Anything to stimulate sexual desire.
And, although these are bad times for fantasy, we must return to eroticism. “Ask your partner about their fantasies or what they would like to try. Recover games that were previously pleasurable for you, try erotic readings…”, says sexologist in Delhi. Other colleagues are more precise: incorporate sex toys or other gadgets, new postures, watch pornography in privacy… Anything agreed upon that can spice up bedroom life helps.
In times of social distance, recovering physical contact is another key for specialist. “We must not neglect expressions of affection with touch, caresses, kisses, hugs. It is essential for the body and, above all, the head (the most important organ in this whole matter), to tune in again with the erotic and affectivity with our partner”.
Finally, sex specialist in Delhi suggests taking advantage of any moment as a couple to warm up engines. “Favoring spaces of physical contact, such as showering together or having a massage, without demanding that it go to greater lengths, gradually awakens desire and brings you closer to your partner again.”
What if I feel like it, but my partner doesn’t?
Each person experiences the pandemic in a different way. And not only because of the way of facing the reality of the coronavirus. The employment situation, the health of parents, siblings or friends, also conditions. “It is a delicate situation, because the person who maintains the desire usually feels rejected and abandoned and this often leads to expressing it from reproach and demand”, comments the sex doctor in Delhi. “This creates anxiety and a huge sense of guilt which, in turn, increases pressure and stress. Far from solving, we increase the problem. It is very important to try to talk to our partner without reproach or anger”.
Being caught by the pandemic at a time without a stable partner is not easy either. “Most people are being more cautious and, having less sexual stimulation, it is normal for the sexual appetite to decrease. But it is something that will recover over time and with the progressive return to normality.” says sexologist in Delhi.